Closure

I tend to forgive people to protect my own sanity. Sometimes it’s a process, but forgiving allows me to stop holding on to pent up frustration or pain, and be zen with myself. I’ve always seen the inability to forgive as a sign of weakness and hypocrisy, since nobody’s perfect and everyone who has the willingness to learn from their mistakes should be deserving of a second chance.

Lately I’ve been grappling with the concept that not everyone chooses to forgive. It was an uncomfortable truth, and I only came across it when discussing the particular topic with a friend. He told me, in the context we were talking about, that even if the person at fault was 100% sorry and took proper accountability, he would not be able to respect or find value in them. At first, I was sympathetic because I thought his stubbornness was weighing him down and preventing him from the closure he was entitled to. But it finally settled in that he wasn’t even having trouble letting go - he already had, and just chose to do so by validating himself over waiting for others to come around. While I am fortunate enough to have never found myself in a situation that is too over-the-line to forgive, I no longer see it as a sign of weakness, but of love and kindness for oneself.

The harsh reality is that no one owes you shit, just like you don’t owe anyone anything. Even from an evolutionary standpoint, humans became social and interactive creatures because working as a team was more efficient for survival and hunting purposes, but never a necessity. Similarly, if I fuck up today and choose to apologize for it, no one needs to forgive me, and no one should feel obligated to just because I’ve lived and learned or because they think its the only way to move on. In fact, closure isn't based on getting or giving forgiveness; it is solely a choice made to accept the past and not let it define you.

If you are looking for a way to let go after suffering:

You are stronger than you think. Not to go all Pinterest-quotes on you, but without pain there is no measure of happiness. You don’t need an apology to be at peace - this is just a slight bump on the road, and you will be yourself again. Give yourself room to process your emotions and don’t give up hope for a better future. Believe you deserve that future. Be patient with yourself. Move forward with love. Validate yourself.

If you are looking for a way to let go after you’ve made a mistake:

It’s okay! We’ve all been there. Fuck-ups are the very foundation from which important lessons are formed. Know that life works on a trial-and-error basis for everyone, and doing your best at the present moment is all you can ever ask from yourself. Acknowledge your shortcomings, but don’t let your guilt get the better of you. You’ve learned from experience now. You will hold yourself accountable now. You deserve to move forward with love too. Forgive yourself.