Good Things Come to Those Who Wait.
- Mahek
- Jun 19, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: Jul 2, 2020
Hi guys, welcome to my first post! Given our global pandemic circumstances, I have had an abundance of time to look back at my life and reflect on myself. The past year has been a series of tests of my self control and patience. There were many breaking points where I was close to giving up my better, rational self to be… well, worse.
The truth is it’s frustrating to be understanding all the time. Sometimes you want to get angry and yell, or be petty and give people a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes you want to ignore the truth and never admit to your faults. Why should it be your responsibility to do what's right? After all, it’s so much easier to be irrational and avoid your feelings until you self-destruct.
I like to believe that all people are born good, and that all people have the ability to unlearn things about them that may be not-good. And while I cannot be the force to change them, I can be the force that encourages them to look inward as opposed to them responding from a place of negativity (as I would hope they would be for me). If I choose to act on impulse without considering if my intentions are pure, I’d be a hypocrite - not to mention that we’d be furthering ourselves from a healthy relationship by subconsciously projecting emotions and insecurities onto each other. So, I make an active decision not to listen to the devil on my shoulder every time I get myself into an unideal situation.
By no means am I even close to mastering self-control. But over time I’ve found a few mental practices that help me not be a hot mess when it comes to conflict resolution:
Understanding my feelings by asking myself 5 “whys.” Very self-explanatory, but harder than I expected. Often, mindfulness comes with being in tune with our emotions. Questioning myself is a great way to get to the root of them and find the problem. Note: this is in the context of my feelings based on someone else’s actions. When trying to understand myself, I can’t assume people’s feelings because it leaves room for me to misunderstand them, and then misinterpret my own. Their actions, on the other hand, are fact.
Empathizing: putting myself in others’ shoes and finding why they are feeling (not doing) the way they are feeling. This is almost an inverse of the 5-whys method; this time, I get to the root of their emotions. The goal is not to justify their responses, or think that I would do the same thing if I really were in their shoes. It’s just to validate their sentiment based on their values.
Asking myself, am I coming from a place of love and gratitude right now? If I now know all sides of the story, what is needed so that the issue is resolved? And will that truly help all of us become better versions of ourselves? What is my part in reaching a compromise or resolution?
Clarifying my boundaries with myself and others. This is something that I hadn’t learned the importance of until recently, and still find to be extremely difficult. Usually in times of disagreement, no one is in the wrong. It is just a matter of different perspectives. I decide how I can set my boundaries so that I know how far I’m willing to go to support the people I love without sacrificing a part of myself.
Recently, I have found that my efforts to “be a good person” were not in vain. Self-control is not an easy task at all, and - if you are able to practice it consistently - shows immense growth that brings you respect for yourself and for others. There will be times when you are not sure if it is paying off, but that’s where patience comes in. You will need to wait, but the satisfaction you get from watching others become their best selves because YOU allowed them to be is a beautiful experience. Way better than self-destruction.
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